Talk:Godzilla: Monster of Monsters/@comment-26576465-20150909220243

When it came to video games, we also got fucked pretty hard. This was my first Godzilla game, Godzilla on the NES. Let's pop this piece of Reptilian Fuck-nugget in. (Godzilla is blocking half of his own name on the title screen) Godzi, Monster of Monsters! This should already be a clue to how half-ass this game is because he's blocking half the title. (The intro starts) In 2XXX AD... Why's it always X? Like they couldn't come up with an exact year so just make it X. "The earth recieves... a... dec... lar... a... tion..." Oh, fuck this, let's start the game. (Sarcastically) Great looking game. What's this? Godzilla chess? So you take control of both Godzilla and Mothra, and move them around these hexagon spaces, then you go into these battle zones. This is more like it, right? Classic side scroller action. More like classic mindless button masher. Oh, well, at least you have a lot of attacks. Godzilla punches, kicks, swings his tail and breathes his trademark atomic breath. How often has Godzilla ever been in space? Once, as far as I remember, Godzilla vs Monster Zero. Why not take place on Earth? I wanna trample some buildings. Instead, I'm just beating up on rocks. And how does Godzilla jump without bending his knees? Looks like he's bouncing on a trampoline. What are these things? Evil Totem poles? What's this, too? What's that? What's everything? Did they just send Godzilla to some shit hole planet that happens to be the garbage can of the cosmos where everything that never existed got thrown away? After you get through one of the battle zones, the CPU moves one of its own monsters. Then it's your turn again. You can move Godzilla, or Mothra, if you want. Yeah, let's check out Mothra. Well, the good thing is that she can fly, obviously, wich means you can bypass obstacles. When you're playing Godzilla, every 2 seconds, there's a pile of rocks in your way. But Mothra just flies over that shit. Well, except when you get hit. Anything that touches her, she gets forced to the ground. She can shoot tomatoes and drop wings. Yeah, she drops wings, that would be like if you could throw your own arms. Mothra sucks. That's all there is to it. When you pick Mothra, the game just laughs. (Godzilla is getting hit continuously) What's this? What the fuck's hitting me? What is this? Oh, it's the Volcano? I can't walk past a Volcano that's in the background? (Godzilla kicks the volcano) All I gotta do is hit it? That's a sensible solution, kick the top of a volcano. The idea of each board is to destroy all the monsters. Here, we have Moguera and Gezora. Are you kiddng me? Moguera and Gezora? Out of all the availabe monsters in the Godzilla franchise, they had to go with 2 monsters that weren't even originally from a Godzilla movie. Of course, Moguera appeared in Godzilla vs Space-Godzilla and there's Stock footage of Gezora in Godzilla: Final Wars, but those movies didn't happen until way after this game. I found a glitch where you can just keep hitting Moguera with your tail. Look at that. So easy. (The Nerd is fighting Gezora when the screen goes black and it returns to the board) What happened? There's a time limit? Yeah, so if you take too long to fight the monster, you gotta start over. And the monster regains some of its life, You don't. The worst part is after you've defeated Moguera and Gezora, guess who's next. Moguera and Gezora. Yeah, they just keep recycling the same monsters but add one per stage. Like here we have Varan, another obscure monster that appeared in its own movie then made a small Cameo in a Godzilla movie. Engaging the monsters in battle is awkward. "Will you fight the enemy?" Yes. "Will you fight Gezora?" Yes. That's the enemy, right? Other times, you don't want to fight the enemy, but it doesn't take "no" for an answer. No! (Doesn't take "no" for an answer) God-damn it, I said, "No!" (Still doesn't take "no" for an answer) Then there's times when the game thinks you're trying to move and the monster's blocking your way, like "Yeah, there's the monster, I wanna fight him." Throughout the game, the choice of enemies gradually becomes more what you expect. I goes from Baragon and The Smog monster to Gigan and Ghidorah but Ghidorah's tucked away in the corner so you'll be lucky if you get that far. Here's Mecha-Godzilla, now that's what I'm talking about. (Mecha-Godzilla's health is really low) Almost got him! I'm gonna win! I'm gonna beat Mecha-Godzilla! (Just as the Nerd is about to beat Mecha-Godzilla, the time runs out and he goes back to the board screen.) THAT FUCKING TIME LIMIT! THAT MOTHERFUCKING SHIT-SUCKING TIME LIMIT! It's not even like there's a counter. It's like the game just pulls the plug, like, "Oh, you gonna win? (Mimics a guy pulling a plug) Well, not anymore, you ass-bag, fecal-fucker, shit-shaped anus brain!" The game cheats. That's it. That's all there is to it. The game fucking cheats. (drinks some Rolling Rock)